Foolish Games

Sweet Angel, love of my life. This is the song I play over and over today as I go about the many things I must do now. The circumstances here don't exactly fit us, but the symbolism does. It's the story of a lack symmetry in a relationship. It was always me that really gave a damn about all it meant to have an us. And I fought so hard, for so long to make all that happen. 

Absolutely all of the responsibility for that fell on me. I had to literally be your everything. If you want to know the number one source of my anger in our relationship, it was always rooted in that. Just when I thought I couldn't take anymore weight on my shoulders, you always found a way of throwing a few more pounds on top. You would turn your ever need of the moment into a defining test of my love for you. I would actually repeatedly beg you for relief, but you never heard me at all. You could never empathize when I was hurting, and I was hurting a lot.

All I wanted at all was to see you truly happy. I dreamed of that for years. And it was across so many dimensions. You always reduced that to just a couple and refused to see the rest. Why couldn't you see all the other dimensions in which I was loving you? And why couldn't I see that you couldn't see? That is my own issue that I need to figure out. And that is the real tragedy here. 

I am so terribly sorry that for one brief but tragic moment in our relationship I chose to do something that you find utterly repugnant, and yes by not being perfectly honest, I was very deceptive. 

But our entire relationship has been built on us playing foolish games where neither of us was really seeing what was going on inside the other. I loved you more than you ever will know. I used to say that to you, and yes it sounds like a cliche, but it turned out to be rather prophetic. 

And in my case, I saw all of your love, and always thought that there had to be more to it. I deceived myself in that regard, and I am truly sorry for me putting that expectation on you. I am the one completely a fault here. I promised you something that was utterly impossible to deliver by anybody, at least for long.

Forever, 

G

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNoouLa7uxA

Jewel - Foolish Games

You took your coat off and stood in the rain,

You're always crazy like that.

And I watched from my window,

Always felt I was outside looking in on you.

You're always the mysterious one with

Dark eyes and careless hair,

You were fashionably sensitive

But too cool to care.

You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say

Besides some comment on the weather.

Well in case you failed to notice,

In case you failed to see,

This is my heart bleeding before you,

This is me down on my knees, and...

These foolish games are tearing me apart,

And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.

You're breaking my heart.

You're always brilliant in the morning,

Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee.

Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you.

You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones

As I clumsily strummed my guitar.

You'd teach me of honest things,

Things that were daring, things that were clean.

Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean.

I hid my soiled hands behind my back.

Somewhere along the line, I must've got

Off track with you.

Well, excuse me, guess I've mistaken you for somebody else,

Somebody who gave a damn,

Somebody more like myself.

These foolish games are tearing me apart,

And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.

You're breaking my heart.

You took your coat off,

Stood in the rain,

You're always crazy like that.

Knowing Me, Knowing You

Sweet Angel, Love of my life. You have given me so many wonderful memories. But they are all bitter - sweet now as I see everything slipping away. Last night I stayed up almost all night. I was a zombie today because of that. I kept playing over and over again "Knowing Me, Knowing Me You" by ABBA. In my youth that song literally moved me to tears. It is the saddest song I have ever heard. But it was also incredibly beautiful as well, because somebody had to know great love to mourn so intensely its loss. I dreamed of finding a love that could that for me. I searched all over for decades and I found it for a while in you. Last night I walked this empty house with tears in my eyes just like that song. And I mourned us. I fantasize of one last rescue, of one more time having your heart. I

Love Always, G


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIh7vR13v78


Knowing me Knowing You - by ABBA


No more carefree laughter

Silence ever after
Walking through an empty house, tears in my eyes
Here is where the story ends, this is goodbye

Knowing me, knowing you (ah-haa)
There is nothing we can do
Knowing me, knowing you (ah-haa)
We just have to face it, this time we're through
(This time we're through, this time we're through
This time we're through, we're really through)
Breaking up is never easy, I know but I have to go
(I have to go this time
I have to go, this time I know)
Knowing me, knowing you
It's the best I can do

Mem'ries (mem'ries), good days (good days), bad days (bad days)
They'll be (they'll be), with me (with me) always (always)
In these old familiar rooms children would play 
Now there's only emptiness, nothing to say

Knowing me, knowing you (ah-haa)
There is nothing we can do
Knowing me, knowing you (ah-haa)
We just have to face it, this time we're through
(This time we're through, this time we're through
This time we're through, we're really through)
Breaking up is never easy, I know but I have to go
(I have to go this time
I have to go, this time I know)
Knowing me, knowing you
It's the best I can do

Infinite Sadness

Beautiful Angel, I am terribly sad tonight because I see signs everywhere of you and they remind of our past together. You are always in my heart. Nothing in the world will ever change that. I can move on if I need to, but I would rather not. I would like to spend each day I have left in my life with you. Whatever problems we may have had between us, pale in comparison the emptiness of a life without you in it. Yet I know unless we can get past some pretty serious things, that is exactly what will happen. You put me up on a pedestal which I was bound to fall from. I am neither a god nor a demon, just a man that loved you. That is all I can be. Yes I have many faults. You need to accept that fact and find a way to still love me. I pray you find that path. This is totally up to you, my sweet angel.

Love you forever,

G

I heard your voice mail

Angel Babe, It was so good to hear your voice, but I am perplexed. The idea of separation is not my own and neither is my desire to hide from you. This was something that was indicated that I must do, or pretty much else. There was a vague threat there, but I am not sure what it entails. So I am just suppose to leave your life and disappear, without understanding the end game. I was told that your healing depended on it. In fact, I am pretty much set on not complying without speaking with your health professionals. I must know what they really think. Regardless of the privacy ethics, they owe that to me given the level of impact on me personally.

I am suspicious that neither of us is hearing the exact truth about the other. We are both being manipulated. I already knew that, but I have some proof now. There is no legal constraints on either of us. It is only about what power you give to others. Don't give power to anybody else that you alone should have, not even to me. Look in your heart and make your own decision. I will back you either way. I expect nothing less from the woman I have loved so much. Angel, make your life into a work art. See the beauty, I see inside you.

Love You Always,

--G

Look in your heart

Sweet Angel, love of my life, I miss you so incredibly much! I don't know if you ever will get to read these words, and if you ever do, it will be so far in the future, that I can't even imagine when it will happen. So this blog is really intended just for me to air my own thoughts. It is my chance to speak to you, something that has denied me right now.

You have a lot of people around you right now that think that they have your interest at heart, but I find their process abhorrent. People should not live their lives dictated by teams, even if that includes our families. It means replacing one form of dependence for another. If I were you, I would tell everybody to go to hell, including me most of all. It is your life, and your life alone. You are extremely smart, talented, and most of all your own person. Speak your speech as you alone would have it, and not let anybody manipulate you into telling you what is best for you.

They are treating you as if I am dangerous drug to you, that you must be weaned off me. Their goal is destroy us at all costs, and if that doesn't happen, they will never proclaim you cured. But they will control you forever whether there is an us or not. They will be always the 500 pound gorilla in the corner of every relationship for the rest of your life. But they have no legal control. Only what you give them. They want you to stay weak, because that's their power over you.

My life will go on regardless. They don't need to socially lobotomize me, just remove me from the scene.  They are actually offering a deal of sorts. It involves me just vanishing from your life in the end. Of course, I will end up very bloodied regardless, but nobody will be looking over my shoulder after that, as they will be with you. And they are actually hoping that I want to embrace the alternative lifestyle. They will probably make that very easy for me, if I make that the condition. That will remove me, and will make me weak too, which I can't let happen. They don't really know me at all. Acting weak is not who I am. Never has been.

But most of all, I can't just imagine a life without you. When I first knew you, I saw the pain in your soul, but I also saw the incredible beauty. I wanted so badly to take that pain from you, but I never could. It was too broad and too deep. In the end, it swamped me as well. Maybe a more centered man could have managed it better, but I had my own demons too, and in the end, there were just too many of them between us.

Angel Babe, I don't know what is in store for us, but there are very few reasons to be optimistic. I am really worried about you most of all. You see, I still love you, and I have never stopped loving you. I  want only what is best for you, and that means you standing on two feet without anybody else telling you what to do. As you might remember, I used say that love is a choice, and not a need. I wanted it always to be that way with you.

I call this blog "Remember the Park", and you know perfectly well what significance that phrase has in our relationship. It was the saddest time in our relationship up to now. But it was also beautiful because there was so much love. And our relationship did indeed survive that. That is my vision now. Keep the faith Angel Babe and look inward to find what is in your heart. Don't be afraid to see what is really there. That I trust!


Forever and Ever,

G